So it’s been almost 2 weeks since I last posted and I think I should update.
I am now finally up to date with the college work I missed out on. I still have work to do but I’m not behind on anything. The two weeks didn’t go totally smooth and it has made me realise things about myself. For example; I had a presentation due this day last week and I slept in. I know what you’re thinking, ‘feck’. Me too. I spent a few hours cursing myself and asking friends what I should do. I e-mailed the lecturer but he didn’t e-mail back. So there I was, almost back on track and I ballsed it all up again. What was my immediate thought? Drop-out again. Woah! Hold on Rach, what’s up? Let’s think about this.
It’s like my first reaction when I fall behind is to panic. I think about what I should do and I think of just leaving instead. Why? I’m afraid of confrontation firstly, I didn’t want to meet the lecturer face-to-face because I was scared of getting a scolding. I have nothing to worry about, this isn’t secondary school, but I’ve only realised that now. I’m alarmed that my instincts tell me to run at the first, like very first, sign of trouble. I have to take time, calm myself, weigh up the pros and cons and then plan my next move. That’s what happened in the first place. I allowed myself time off, then realised how much I missed and threw myself into another ‘what-am-I-doing-with-my-life’ crisis.
I have a really close friend who is bipolar. I spoke to them the night that before I went back to college. I was at a really low point. They tried telling me that I have some symptoms but I refused to listen. I still do. It’s come in to my head before but I don’t want to think about it. If I think about it, it becomes real. I’m scared. What if I am bipolar? I don’t want to be this drugged up, emotionless, shell of a person. My friend even offered to go to our local doctor with me so that I’d talk to someone but I didn’t want to. I went to bed that night dreading talking to my friend the next day. I felt that they were pushing their condition on me. I woke up and went to college and when I came home, I felt like a new person. I don’t know did I just need to get back to college and survey the damage or did my friend frighten me out of my funk?
So that’s the bipolar option and then there’s the Anxiety route. Is that my problem? Do I have anxiety issues? I’ve never suffered from a panic attack that I know of, unless my little crises count. I do think that if I am actually affected by any issues anxiety might be the one. Or am I just normal? I’m a happy, worry-free person 99% of the time. I pride myself on that but then when something like this happens it makes me think. Should I just take it easy and see how I get on? Is the work-load just unnerving me because I’m a naturally lazy person? I don’t know.
Oh Jeez, would you look at that? I totally rambled. I apologise for the spew. I can’t explain how this blog helps me get things off my chest. I always find it easier to type than to talk. Right, where was I? Oh yeah, I’m good again. I spoke to my lecturers, got to do my presentation today and I have all my other assignments on the right track. I’ve learned my lesson; if I’m falling behind, don’t hide, go and fix it. I feel great. The sun is shining and it hasn’t rained in 10 days… maybe that’s it? Have I been missing sunshine? Is it Seasonal Affective Disorder? I should just stop distressing myself.
I’m good. I’m good. Thank you for reading this, it really does mean a lot, more than you will ever know. If anybody is in my shoes, don’t be afraid to get in contact. I’m here to listen no matter what 😀