Posted in College

Final Week!

Hello! I’m writing right now because I’m procrastinating… and I’m pulling an all-nighter to finish off a project, so this should help me wake up a bit.

I’m currently 2 days in to my final week of my first year at college/university. It. Is. Crazy! I cannot believe how fast the year went, especially after Easter.

Looking back, I have to say, this has been the best year of my life. I’ve met so many amazing, hilarious people and I’ve had such a good time. Despite my own hiccup and things happening that I couldn’t control, I wouldn’t change anything about this year.

I’m moving home this Saturday. We’re going to have a ‘Final Family Dinner’ night on Thursday (Indian food and an 80’s dress-code). It’s going to be strange leaving my room-mates and new friends for the summer but if it goes as fast as the rest of the year has gone, it won’t be long before I’m back again.

I have some work lined-up for summer and I’m eager to get my weight-loss plans back on track. The “Fresher Fifteen” did not skip me, unfortunately. I’ll be posting videos about that on my YouTube channel (youtube.com/therealrachnow) if you wish to join in the fun (it’s not going to be fun, what am I saying!)

I’ll leave you with a recent photography project that I did. I got a 1.1 in it and I’m well proud. It’s a narrative. See if you can pick up the jist of it. It’s a bit of a downer for the end of a happy post but I like it.

Thank you all for joining me on this journey through life and for sticking around when times got tough. I’ll see you soon!

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Posted in College, Me Myself and I

Whaddup?!

Hello.

I don’t really have much to say at the moment, which is probably a good thing. I just wanted to let you all know that I’m feeling really good right now. I’m home on Easter holidays and I have a few projects to finish for college, but I’m on top of them all. I only have around five weeks left of my first year of college and it’s gone really well. I had a minor hiccup but I’m over it. I don’t want this blog to just focus on my downfalls, so expect more happy posts soon… once I have stuff that deserves a post on.

Thank you to everyone who supported me this year. It means so much. As always, if you are ever feeling down or can relate to my other posts, do not be afraid to contact me via twitter (@rachleahy) or a comment on this. I’m always here to listen!

Peace out! ūüėÄ

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Posted in College, Me Myself and I

Is it over yet?

So it’s been almost 2 weeks since I last posted and I think I should update.

I am now finally up to date with the college work I missed out on. I still have work to do but I’m not behind on anything. The two weeks didn’t go totally smooth and it has made me realise things about myself. For example; I had a presentation due this day last week and I slept in. I know what you’re thinking, ‘feck’.¬†Me too. I spent a few hours cursing myself and asking friends what I should do. I e-mailed the lecturer but he didn’t e-mail back. So there I was, almost back on track and I ballsed it all up again. What was my immediate thought?¬†Drop-out again.¬†Woah! Hold on Rach, what’s up? Let’s think about this.

It’s like my first reaction when I fall behind is to panic. I think about what I should do and I think of just leaving instead. Why? I’m afraid of confrontation firstly, I didn’t want to meet the lecturer face-to-face because I was scared of getting a scolding. I have nothing to worry about, this isn’t secondary school, but I’ve only realised that now. I’m alarmed that my instincts tell me to run at the first, like very first, sign of trouble. I have to take time, calm myself, weigh up the pros and cons and then plan my next move. That’s what happened in the first place. I allowed myself time off, then realised how much I missed and threw myself into another ‘what-am-I-doing-with-my-life’ crisis.

I have a really close friend who is bipolar. I spoke to them the night that before I went back to college. I was at a really low point. They tried telling me that I have some symptoms but I refused to listen. I still do. It’s come in to my head before but I don’t want to think about it. If I think about it, it becomes real. I’m scared. What if I am bipolar? I don’t want to be this drugged up, emotionless, shell of a person. My friend even offered to go to our local doctor with me so that I’d talk to someone but I didn’t want to. I went to bed that night dreading talking to my friend the next day. I felt that they were pushing their condition on me. I woke up and went to college and when I came home, I felt like a new person. I don’t know did I just need to get back to college and survey the damage or did my friend frighten me out of my funk?

So that’s the bipolar option and then there’s the Anxiety route. Is that my problem? Do I have anxiety issues? I’ve never suffered from a panic attack that I know of, unless my little crises count. I do think that if I am actually affected by any issues anxiety might be the one. Or am I just normal? I’m a happy, worry-free person 99% of the time. I pride myself on that but then when something like this happens it makes me think. Should I just take it easy and see how I get on? Is the work-load just unnerving me because I’m a naturally lazy person? I don’t know.

Oh Jeez, would you look at that? I totally rambled. I apologise for the spew. I can’t explain how this blog helps me get things off my chest. I always find it easier to type than to talk. Right, where was I? Oh yeah, I’m good again. I spoke to my lecturers, got to do my presentation today and I have all my other assignments on the right track. I’ve learned my lesson; if I’m falling behind, don’t hide, go and fix it. I feel great. The sun is shining and it hasn’t rained in 10 days… maybe that’s it? Have I been missing sunshine? Is it Seasonal Affective Disorder? I should just stop distressing myself.

I’m good.¬†I’m good.¬†Thank you for reading this, it really does mean a lot, more than you will ever know. If anybody is in my shoes, don’t be afraid to get in contact. I’m here to listen no matter what ūüėÄ

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Posted in College, Me Myself and I

Back on track

So I went back to college today… and it felt great. I’m a little bit behind but all my classmates were more than helpful in telling me what I need to do. To those of you who asked how I was, thank you for the concern, I’m feeling a lot better.

I had a good chat with my room-mate too, she’s been through something similar and I instantly started to brighten once I just got everything off my chest.

I’m kind of embarrassed about my mini-breakdown. The truth is, I let myself get so behind in college that the thought of the work I had to do scared me. I panicked. Total over-reaction!

So… that was a brief crisis but I’m feeling 100% again. I just can’t let myself relax that much in college any more. Procrastination and I go way back, but I have to end our relationship.

Thank you for all the support, I know I can always take to my blog in times of worry. Until next (hopefully stress free) time,

 

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Posted in Family, The 'rents

Damage Control

When I wrote yesterday evening, I was feeling really lonely, so I poured my heart out. It was the only way to get what was weighing me down, off my chest. My room-mate came home a little later on and I felt so much better just talking to her about normal things like what I had missed, gossip wise, from the week I took off.

Unfortunately for me, my Mother reads this blog. I didn’t even know she knew the name. So since I posted, I’ve been inundated with texts, calls and Facebook messages from her. The worst was this morning though. I once again decided that I didn’t want to go in to college today and I slept instead (I’d spent the majority of the night thinking about things). I didn’t want to answer her calls because I didn’t want her to know that I hadn’t gone in. She then rang the¬†Residential¬†Manager of my apartment complex and¬†proceeded¬†to tell her that she was really worried and asked if the RM could check my apartment.

So I awoke to knocking on the door. When I didn’t answer she let her self in and knocked on my bedroom door. I answer only to hear what Mom had done. I assured the RM that I was okay and that I’d text my Mother. I was mortified. Great, now my RM thinks I’m a suicide risk. Thanks Mom!

Don’t worry, I have no desire to end my life, I’m just in an¬†existential¬†crisis and I’m worried about college. So thank you to all my family for the Facebook messages, tweets and texts. It means a lot. I’m just not up for talking. I can’t talk about what’s wrong when I don’t even know myself.

I’m going in to college tomorrow and I’ll hopefully catch up soon.

 

Thank you for the support.

 

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Posted in College, Me Myself and I

The weight of worries and woe

Here I am again. Seriously thinking about what I’m doing with my life. Why do I always have to worry about these things.

I’m happy in my course. Well, I really did think I was. I love where I am living and my room-mates are the best, I get on with them so well but I’m not sure if I like where my college course is sending me. Maybe it’s because this semester is more essay and academic based. I only have 2 and a half months left but I’m finding it difficult, so difficult to get up and go to college.

I recently took a week off, which even I wasn’t expecting. I spent the week reassuring my parents that I was happy, that they had nothing to worry about and that I was staying in college without a doubt… but little do they know, I haven’t gone to college for about 2 weeks and I can’t pinpoint the reason why so I can’t explain to them or the college why I have been absent.

I hate this. I actually¬†hate¬†this part of me. The part of me that feels it necessary to fuck everything up once things start going right. I’m happy¬† I¬†was¬†happy and now I’m here.¬†Again.¬†

What is it Rach, why can’t you just be happy? I’m really struggling to decide on what I feel. Why am I doubting this college thing again. I really like some aspects but hate others. I can’t put it in to words what I feel right now as I write this. My heart is screaming one thing and my head is shouting something else.

I’ve begun to get this weird ache in my stomach. I don’t think it’s anything medical. It’s not a bug. I think it’s a physical side effect of the stress and worry, that I’m unnecessarily putting myself through.

I need time. Time to think all of this through, but I’ve already missed so much college and I feel like I’m trapped.

Will I ever change? I’m working on just¬†consciously¬†trying to be happy. I should really just forget all this but I fear I’ll get back in to the place I was in in late 2011 and I really really¬†don’t want to go back there.¬†Ever.

I’m sorry for that little spew of woe but this blog is the only way I can truly express what’s getting me down.

Thank you so much for reading all this tripe. Please, if anybody else is feeling this way, or just down in general, don’t be afraid to get in touch. My twitter is at the bottom of my homepage. If you ever need to talk, I will always be here.

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Posted in College, Me Myself and I

Back in ‘that’ place.

Hi. Remember me? I’m that college drop-out who used to write about the shortcomings in my life.

It’s been a long time, hasn’t it? I was hoping to update you with good news but unfortunately, I’m not feeling the best today and this blog is my way of expressing myself.

I’m having a bit of a down day. I’ve been okay for so long but doubts have been creeping in for about a week now and today they just got too much. I’m happy in my new course. I really like it and I already know what my favourite subject is but I’m starting to worry about where I’ll be in a few years time. What will I be doing in 5 years? Where will I work after I graduate? Here I go again, stressing out over nothing.

Don’t worry, I’m not at the ‘I’m gonna drop-out’ stage. I really do like my course and I love the city where I’m living but I’m just having a rough night and I want to vent.

Does this ever happen to you? Have you had these doubts or these dark days? If so, how did you get through it. Comment below if you have any advice. I’d love to just talk to somebody who has gone through what I’m going through. My family are supportive but if I mention how I’m feeling, I’m worried they’ll get the wrong impression and over-react.

Thank you for reading. I will get out of this slump. I’ve done it before. I look forward to updating you on the more happy aspects of my life soon.

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Posted in Me Myself and I

One year on.

It’s my first “blogiversary”. I can’t believe it’s been a year since I introduced the internet to Rach. I started this blog as part of a college course. It was¬†compulsory. I never thought I’d actually like writing. I know I’m no Yeats but I really do enjoy writing my little posts.

I look back at my past posts, especially the ones written in November of last year, and I can’t believe how much I’ve changed. I’m glad I kept the blog going after I dropped out of college. This blog has gone from being homework to a way for me to express myself. It’s a release.

I know I don’t post as often as I should and my journey is far from finished but I would just like to thank each and every one of you for reading this, leaving comments and helping me out of some sad times. So thank you and here’s to another year of me complaining about my life. *cheers*

Posted in College

SOON!

I really want to update you all on how College is going this time but I want to put up College part two first. I’m really finding it difficult to put how I felt into words. I’ve written about the Dublin days quite a lot so it’s easier to express what I was feeling at the time but I’ve never really gone into detail about the second college I went to. I will try my best to write a proper post soon. College is demanding too, lots of assignments and the likes. Hopefully I’ll defeat my writers block soon and you’ll be clued in on all things Rach!

Thank you for waiting, I appreciate it!

Posted in Uncategorized

Delay

Sorry for not posting yet. I’m struggling to find the right words. College part two will¬†definitely¬†be up by next week. Thank you for your patience.

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