Posted in Me Myself and I

Potentially Great, Realistically Lazy

KYPHOSIS noun. (swelling, projection) as in hump.

Hello fronds. Fronds is the way I’ve pronounced friends and similar words since my Mother had the misfortune of saying “Bwonz” instead of “Beans” about 2 months back. That’s my sense of humour, minor mispronunciations. Deal with it, I’ve had to.

Anywhosiers, how are ye? I’m listening to a movie playlist on spotify and as I typed the question mark, spotify answered with “Ghostbusters!” so I’ll take that as an answer and I’m glad to hear ye’re well. What’s this post going to be about? I haven’t decided yet. I did this with the majority of my college essays and bar the “staying awake all night to finish them on time thing”, it usually worked out well. What’s on my mind? Let’s see…

I’m still unemployed. I naively thought the Irish job market was better stocked than it actually is. Mother Dearest would be basking in being right if it wasn’t for the annoyance of having her grown adult child at home all day long, all the damn time. My standards are dropping by the day. I’m experienced and skilled. I have a college education. I’m actively looking for a job that I can progress within, starting at the bottom is to be expected. But now? Now I’m like “feck it, I’m going back to a shop, right?” and I really don’t want to. I need more experience in a job I can travel with. I don’t want to spend money on a visa, flights and accommodation just to leave my family and end up working as a cashier in Canada or the like. Now, this isn’t a dig at shop workers, it’s just that I’ve been working in one since I was 14 years old. After getting a job that wasn’t a shop assistant role, I’ve realised how valuable varied work experience is. I have the potential for so much more. I just don’t know where to start.

Now this has me thinking, will I ever reach my full potential? Bit of a jump now but every little problem links to a bigger one for me, I’m like a reverse Russian doll. This, honestly, stems back to my very early childhood. Every single school report card I’ve ever gotten. Every. Single. One. From the age of four to 18 has had the same message, albeit written in different languages and ways (Gaelscoil ftw). The message, I wear as a badge of pride, is “Rachel has a lot of ability, but lacks concentration”. That’s the wording in it’s purest, most simple form. Add in the odd “she’s very chatty” and “better attendance is a must” and you’ve got a handsome picture of who I am. The way I interpret this, naturally being the drama loving gal I am, is “Rachel is destined for great things but she’s a bit shit at figuring out how to get there”. I have the so-called ‘ability’ for the future career I want; writing, but my lazy, slightly thick arse doesn’t actually do any writing. I’m so out of practice, I have to keep stopping and rereading what I type. My syntax and story structure is that of a 3-year-old child off it’s tits on on Coca-Cola at it’s cousins First Holy Communion. (Side note: don’t use tits and a 3-year-old in the same sentence again).

Where was I? Oh yeah, right so, like I have the basics of what I need to be a writer, I think. I’m just counting having a blog and things to moan about but I’m sure in time I’ll figure out how to write a book, or at least try. All I have to do now, is hone my craft. Write. That’s it, write. Not that hard, is it? Maybe not, but I think I have a chip in my shoulder about falling short of my true potential. It’s not even a mental thing though. It’s physical. Let me jet off on another tangent and we can all see if I can tie it in together.

Quick bit of background info, I go to an osteopath cause I’m awkward and some of the joints in my back like to get stuck together, to paraphrase the professional. My posture has never been ‘ideal’ and as a result, (or so I thought) I have a bit of a hump, for want of a better word. Now my Dad has only noticed this recently, and his educated (not) medical opinion is “you’d want to get a scan on that”. The effect this had on hypochondriac me is a whole other blog post. So my neck is getting stiff and I book an appointment with my Osteo guy, mainly because it’s almost Christmas and I know he’s going home to New Zealand and if my joints decide to get together for the holidays, I’m fucked. Whilst the Osteo is knuckle deep in my shoulder joints I decide ‘who better to ask about back problems?’ Right? I start with “Y’know my hunchback?”, innocently expecting a “No?” but getting the opposite. I follow with, “Anything I can do about that?” I get a no, maybe if I had surgery and wore a brace as a preteen but nothing now. It’s genetic says he, apparently some ancestor was a crooked cratur and it skipped all the tribe except me. Grand. Thanks genetics! I finish with a joke I regularly tell “Yeah, I’d be six foot without this hump!” and I’m surprised to hear him respond with “yeah, there’s about four inches in there”. Four, fucking, inches? You’re joking. I was born to be six foot two and because of the genetic lottery I’m stuck being five ten.

Five foot ten is still quite tall I hear them say. That’s irrelevant. I’m meant to be 6’2” and now I never will be. Has everything in life been leading to this point? Everything I could have achieved but didn’t, all because I was not destined to ever reach my full potential. Has every prospect been destined to fail? Do I finally have a scapegoat for being a slothful romantic? All the things that were on my route but got off at the stop before mine, inevitable? I don’t know about you, but I think calling it a chip on my shoulder is a bit light, it’s a hunchback and I’m going to blame it for as long as it takes me to accomplish my dreams… and then I’m going to pretend it was what inspired me all along.

Thanks for enduring the rambles, don’t worry about me, those four inches only keep me up at night most of the time. I joke, but one of these days I will get my shit together and you’ll all be there to see it.

Cheers!

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Posted in Me Myself and I

Eyes on the prize

How are you doing? It’s me, Rach. I can’t think of a witty way to fire into what my post is actually going to be about, so just pretend this isn’t blunt. I’ve been struggling with college lately. By ‘lately’ I actually mean since October. This is my final semester of university and to put it simply, I’ve been in a panic for months. What am I doing with my life?

Naturally, as a result of my constant existential crisis, I’ve been what I call ‘Stress spiralling’ and falling behind in college work. I’ve just about caught up but keeping my head above water and planning out where I’ll be in 10 years are two, mutually exclusive, processes. I know what I have to do, and how to do it, I just can’t seem to actually do it. I’ve got to keep focused and take everyday as it comes. Keep chipping away at the assignments and just zone in on graduating… but I can’t.

Why?

I’m a dreamer. A total head in the clouds dreamer. I won’t say optimist because the very Irish trait of self-doubt plagues me. I can keep myself awake all night thinking about who I’m going to thank in my oscar speech and whether or not I’ll say it all in Irish but I can’t focus long enough to read an article for college. What actually inspired this post happened only a few minutes ago; I was on Tumblr and a gifset of my ultimate wife and life goals, Emma Stone, popped up. What was my first thought? ‘What if, when I’m famous, Emma doesn’t like me and we can’t be friends?’ yeah, I know. And as I write this the pessimist in me is battling the dreamer. “You’re never going to be famous” vs “You never know!”

So what can I do? I don’t want to silence the part of me that believes I can do everything but I also don’t want to let the doubt seep in and convince me that I’ll never be anything. I’m also an ‘all or nothing’ kinda gal, you see, I’m either the best at something or the worst. I’ve got to find my self-confidence middle ground and settle down until I have my degree in my hand. Eyes on the prize… I might need some blinkers to keep me going straight.

I know in my heart and soul, no matter how many times I deny it, that my weight has had the heaviest (forgive me) impact on my confidence. Losing the flab, flab is too lenient, halving my weight is something I’m so prepared for. I’ve lost weight before, and even though I’ve put it all back on and much more, I can do it again. I don’t want to make excuses but I feel like I can’t fully commit until college is out-of-the-way but I’m not doing nothing either. I can’t afford a gym until I move home for summer and It’s hard to stay on track when I feel like I’m not giving it my all. As well as trying to not drown in college related anxiety I’ve been making conscious strides to try to clean up my diet. Some days are better than others but I will get there. Right, what was I saying? I guess the moral of the story is College is ruining my life. I jest. I’m just ready to hit the real world. Okay, that’s I lie, I shuddered whilst writing that. The best way to put it is that I’m ready to move on to the next step in my journey. So let’s do this. I should promise more posts right now but we all know that usually means the opposite, so stick around, I’m sure it won’t be too long before the next update.

If you kept up with the rambles, cheers. I’m hoping the ‘writing with ease’ vibe I had going in the past returns soon, until then,

Slán,

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P.S. Emma, if you’re reading this, I swear I’m really cool and a great friend. I’m good at keeping secrets and making tea. Love me.

Posted in Me Myself and I

Therealrach 2.0

My last entry was posted over a year ago. Isn’t it comforting to know that, in a constantly changing world, some things stay the same? You can’t count on me to write a post but at least I’m consistent with something… being unreliable. I have so many ideas that I want to write about but I have been gone so long, I’ve kind of forgotten how to do so.

In signature style I’m currently not having the best time in college. I’m struggling with stress. I bring it on myself by over thinking and contrary to popular belief, being told “just don’t stress over it” and “suck it up”, does not help alleviate anxious feelings. I need to find out what triggers my stress spirals. I’m finding the self-doubting detrimental to my education. This topic is a post in itself so I will type that one out soon.

I want to do more lighthearted posts about a variety of things that interest me. Some non-college anxiety related stuff would be nice. I’ve rediscovered my love of writing and I need to get back to regular posting asap… that being said, was I ever regular? I’m also starting up the weight loss journey again. I’ve hit the highest I’ve ever been. I don’t know whether or not I’ll keep the Obesity Battles blog or just post here. It’s probably better for work shy me to have only one blog to neglect.

If you have made it through that sad excuse for a post, I thank you. I’m going to be rusty for a spell so be gentle with me. Thanks for sticking around. Trust me when I say; this time, it’s for real. Okay, I don’t know where that cheese came from but I apologise. I’ve got to get the writing clichés out before I post a proper entry.

Slán

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Posted in Me Myself and I

I’m coming back!

Hello?! Is there anybody here? … You’re still here? It’s me, Rach. I’m staying true to my signature blogging style and updating after months of inactivity.

I’m writing this just to assure you all that I’m still here and doing well. I will write proper posts on what’s been going on in Rachland. Nothing major though, just what I’ve been up to since July 13th. I’m going to break them down into sections. College, family, money and me. Thank you for staying around and here’s to a year of happiness, health and more writing.

Sláinte!

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Posted in Family, Me Myself and I, My employment status

Heatwaves and Happiness.

Hello! Long time no… type?

Rachland update in 3…2…1….

Ireland, which is where I live, is currently experiencing a heatwave and it’s both great and horrific at the same time. My home town is  paradise in the sun. I live in a coastal area and there’s beaches five minutes away in almost every direction. It’s great… when you want to be out in it. Where it gets a bit shit is at night when you want to sleep but your bedroom is hotter than hell. Seriously, I’m sleeping in a sauna. I woke up with a nasty heat rash this morning and naturally, being the hypochondriac that I am, I informed my Mother that I had Meningitis.

I really shouldn’t complain though, all of Ireland are genuinely terrified that if we speak ill of the weather the sun will leave and we won’t see it again. After all this is the best summer we have had in years. Even if there are talks of water shortages. So seeing as we have warm, dry, sunny days, I have been out doing typical summery things. Barbecues, Beaches, Blisters… Seriously, sunburn hurts.

I’m really enjoying my new job. I actually like what I’m doing. It’s only deli/till assistant work but having my own money again after 8 months of hand-outs from dad (Thanks Papi!) is wonderful! I’ve been meeting up with friends and just be having a generally great summer.

I’m happy right now and I’m going to blog about it. So that was a quick update. I’ll leave you with some of my favourite summer pictures, that I’ve taken so far. Now, where is that Aloe Vera, my arms are on fire!

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Slea Head Drive with my Roommates. Got to visit the girls and go sight seeing.

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Ventry, Dingle with the roomies

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Family barbecue. Auntie made some gorgeous food! Great day

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Desserts! Same barbecue. More great food.

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Just one of the many local beaches. Beautiful.

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Ventry, Dingle

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Barbecue set-up.

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We made Pimms. It was not nice. Still regretting following the recipe on the bottle. Cucumbers are not nice.

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Signing my name on a cliff face in Co. Kerry.

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Enjoying the sun while listening to my cousin playing some summery ukulele.

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Posted in College, Me Myself and I, My employment status

Back Home

Hello! It’s me again. I know what you’re thinking, “What? Didn’t you write a post a week ago? What are you doing back so soon?”. I just thought I’d update you all on what’s happening in Rachland.

I moved home on Saturday. As per usual, I procrastinated the night before and didn’t pack much. My parents were not impressed when they arrived, after a four and a half hour drive, to find they had to help me clean. I had spent the night before watching ’24 hours in A&E’ on Channel4. One episode, featuring a man called John, broke my heart. He had a stroke and couldn’t remember what year it was. It’s been a few days and I still can’t stop thinking about it. According to the show he got his memory back but my heart still goes out to him. I’m such a big softie. In the van on the way home, my sleep deprivation coupled with my emotions about that episode made me want to burst in to tears. I didn’t. I cheered up a bit after a sleep but if anybody knows John, tell him to tweet me, I want to give him a massive hug.

Anyway, I still haven’t unpacked. I have a great reason though… I’ve gotten a job! I’m employed again. I couldn’t work at my old job while at college so I finished up after Christmas and I was worried about money but thankfully something opened up at a place I worked in when I was 16. I moved home on Saturday and started on Sunday. I’ve worked in the Deli the past two days and my God, do I have a new appreciation for Deli workers. That shit is tiring! I was so nervous about starting the job, I couldn’t sleep the night before. I’m still learning but I’ll be on the tills/cash register on Sunday and I’m looking forward to that.

I have one more essay to finish for college, about Classic Hollywood Cinema, due on Thursday and after that I’m a free girl. I’m so happy right now. I’m finished college, I have a job and I’m starting to get my diet back on track. Expect more posts over the summer. As always, thank you for sticking with me.

I’d normally put my signature here but it’s glitching lately so this is going to have to do,

Rach

Posted in College, Me Myself and I

Whaddup?!

Hello.

I don’t really have much to say at the moment, which is probably a good thing. I just wanted to let you all know that I’m feeling really good right now. I’m home on Easter holidays and I have a few projects to finish for college, but I’m on top of them all. I only have around five weeks left of my first year of college and it’s gone really well. I had a minor hiccup but I’m over it. I don’t want this blog to just focus on my downfalls, so expect more happy posts soon… once I have stuff that deserves a post on.

Thank you to everyone who supported me this year. It means so much. As always, if you are ever feeling down or can relate to my other posts, do not be afraid to contact me via twitter (@rachleahy) or a comment on this. I’m always here to listen!

Peace out! 😀

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Posted in College, Me Myself and I

Is it over yet?

So it’s been almost 2 weeks since I last posted and I think I should update.

I am now finally up to date with the college work I missed out on. I still have work to do but I’m not behind on anything. The two weeks didn’t go totally smooth and it has made me realise things about myself. For example; I had a presentation due this day last week and I slept in. I know what you’re thinking, ‘feck’. Me too. I spent a few hours cursing myself and asking friends what I should do. I e-mailed the lecturer but he didn’t e-mail back. So there I was, almost back on track and I ballsed it all up again. What was my immediate thought? Drop-out again. Woah! Hold on Rach, what’s up? Let’s think about this.

It’s like my first reaction when I fall behind is to panic. I think about what I should do and I think of just leaving instead. Why? I’m afraid of confrontation firstly, I didn’t want to meet the lecturer face-to-face because I was scared of getting a scolding. I have nothing to worry about, this isn’t secondary school, but I’ve only realised that now. I’m alarmed that my instincts tell me to run at the first, like very first, sign of trouble. I have to take time, calm myself, weigh up the pros and cons and then plan my next move. That’s what happened in the first place. I allowed myself time off, then realised how much I missed and threw myself into another ‘what-am-I-doing-with-my-life’ crisis.

I have a really close friend who is bipolar. I spoke to them the night that before I went back to college. I was at a really low point. They tried telling me that I have some symptoms but I refused to listen. I still do. It’s come in to my head before but I don’t want to think about it. If I think about it, it becomes real. I’m scared. What if I am bipolar? I don’t want to be this drugged up, emotionless, shell of a person. My friend even offered to go to our local doctor with me so that I’d talk to someone but I didn’t want to. I went to bed that night dreading talking to my friend the next day. I felt that they were pushing their condition on me. I woke up and went to college and when I came home, I felt like a new person. I don’t know did I just need to get back to college and survey the damage or did my friend frighten me out of my funk?

So that’s the bipolar option and then there’s the Anxiety route. Is that my problem? Do I have anxiety issues? I’ve never suffered from a panic attack that I know of, unless my little crises count. I do think that if I am actually affected by any issues anxiety might be the one. Or am I just normal? I’m a happy, worry-free person 99% of the time. I pride myself on that but then when something like this happens it makes me think. Should I just take it easy and see how I get on? Is the work-load just unnerving me because I’m a naturally lazy person? I don’t know.

Oh Jeez, would you look at that? I totally rambled. I apologise for the spew. I can’t explain how this blog helps me get things off my chest. I always find it easier to type than to talk. Right, where was I? Oh yeah, I’m good again. I spoke to my lecturers, got to do my presentation today and I have all my other assignments on the right track. I’ve learned my lesson; if I’m falling behind, don’t hide, go and fix it. I feel great. The sun is shining and it hasn’t rained in 10 days… maybe that’s it? Have I been missing sunshine? Is it Seasonal Affective Disorder? I should just stop distressing myself.

I’m good. I’m good. Thank you for reading this, it really does mean a lot, more than you will ever know. If anybody is in my shoes, don’t be afraid to get in contact. I’m here to listen no matter what 😀

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Posted in College, Me Myself and I

Back on track

So I went back to college today… and it felt great. I’m a little bit behind but all my classmates were more than helpful in telling me what I need to do. To those of you who asked how I was, thank you for the concern, I’m feeling a lot better.

I had a good chat with my room-mate too, she’s been through something similar and I instantly started to brighten once I just got everything off my chest.

I’m kind of embarrassed about my mini-breakdown. The truth is, I let myself get so behind in college that the thought of the work I had to do scared me. I panicked. Total over-reaction!

So… that was a brief crisis but I’m feeling 100% again. I just can’t let myself relax that much in college any more. Procrastination and I go way back, but I have to end our relationship.

Thank you for all the support, I know I can always take to my blog in times of worry. Until next (hopefully stress free) time,

 

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Posted in College, Me Myself and I

The weight of worries and woe

Here I am again. Seriously thinking about what I’m doing with my life. Why do I always have to worry about these things.

I’m happy in my course. Well, I really did think I was. I love where I am living and my room-mates are the best, I get on with them so well but I’m not sure if I like where my college course is sending me. Maybe it’s because this semester is more essay and academic based. I only have 2 and a half months left but I’m finding it difficult, so difficult to get up and go to college.

I recently took a week off, which even I wasn’t expecting. I spent the week reassuring my parents that I was happy, that they had nothing to worry about and that I was staying in college without a doubt… but little do they know, I haven’t gone to college for about 2 weeks and I can’t pinpoint the reason why so I can’t explain to them or the college why I have been absent.

I hate this. I actually hate this part of me. The part of me that feels it necessary to fuck everything up once things start going right. I’m happy was happy and now I’m here. Again. 

What is it Rach, why can’t you just be happy? I’m really struggling to decide on what I feel. Why am I doubting this college thing again. I really like some aspects but hate others. I can’t put it in to words what I feel right now as I write this. My heart is screaming one thing and my head is shouting something else.

I’ve begun to get this weird ache in my stomach. I don’t think it’s anything medical. It’s not a bug. I think it’s a physical side effect of the stress and worry, that I’m unnecessarily putting myself through.

I need time. Time to think all of this through, but I’ve already missed so much college and I feel like I’m trapped.

Will I ever change? I’m working on just consciously trying to be happy. I should really just forget all this but I fear I’ll get back in to the place I was in in late 2011 and I really really don’t want to go back there. Ever.

I’m sorry for that little spew of woe but this blog is the only way I can truly express what’s getting me down.

Thank you so much for reading all this tripe. Please, if anybody else is feeling this way, or just down in general, don’t be afraid to get in touch. My twitter is at the bottom of my homepage. If you ever need to talk, I will always be here.

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