Posted in College, Me Myself and I, My employment status

Back Home

Hello! It’s me again. I know what you’re thinking, “What? Didn’t you write a post a week ago? What are you doing back so soon?”. I just thought I’d update you all on what’s happening in Rachland.

I moved home on Saturday. As per usual, I procrastinated the night before and didn’t pack much. My parents were not impressed when they arrived, after a four and a half hour drive, to find they had to help me clean. I had spent the night before watching ’24 hours in A&E’ on Channel4. One episode, featuring a man called John, broke my heart. He had a stroke and couldn’t remember what year it was. It’s been a few days and I still can’t stop thinking about it. According to the show he got his memory back but my heart still goes out to him. I’m such a big softie. In the van on the way home, my sleep deprivation coupled with my emotions about that episode made me want to burst in to tears. I didn’t. I cheered up a bit after a sleep but if anybody knows John, tell him to tweet me, I want to give him a massive hug.

Anyway, I still haven’t unpacked. I have a great reason though… I’ve gotten a job! I’m employed again. I couldn’t work at my old job while at college so I finished up after Christmas and I was worried about money but thankfully something opened up at a place I worked in when I was 16. I moved home on Saturday and started on Sunday. I’ve worked in the Deli the past two days and my God, do I have a new appreciation for Deli workers. That shit is tiring! I was so nervous about starting the job, I couldn’t sleep the night before. I’m still learning but I’ll be on the tills/cash register on Sunday and I’m looking forward to that.

I have one more essay to finish for college, about Classic Hollywood Cinema, due on Thursday and after that I’m a free girl. I’m so happy right now. I’m finished college, I have a job and I’m starting to get my diet back on track. Expect more posts over the summer. As always, thank you for sticking with me.

I’d normally put my signature here but it’s glitching lately so this is going to have to do,

Rach

Posted in College

Final Week!

Hello! I’m writing right now because I’m procrastinating… and I’m pulling an all-nighter to finish off a project, so this should help me wake up a bit.

I’m currently 2 days in to my final week of my first year at college/university. It. Is. Crazy! I cannot believe how fast the year went, especially after Easter.

Looking back, I have to say, this has been the best year of my life. I’ve met so many amazing, hilarious people and I’ve had such a good time. Despite my own hiccup and things happening that I couldn’t control, I wouldn’t change anything about this year.

I’m moving home this Saturday. We’re going to have a ‘Final Family Dinner’ night on Thursday (Indian food and an 80’s dress-code). It’s going to be strange leaving my room-mates and new friends for the summer but if it goes as fast as the rest of the year has gone, it won’t be long before I’m back again.

I have some work lined-up for summer and I’m eager to get my weight-loss plans back on track. The “Fresher Fifteen” did not skip me, unfortunately. I’ll be posting videos about that on my YouTube channel (youtube.com/therealrachnow) if you wish to join in the fun (it’s not going to be fun, what am I saying!)

I’ll leave you with a recent photography project that I did. I got a 1.1 in it and I’m well proud. It’s a narrative. See if you can pick up the jist of it. It’s a bit of a downer for the end of a happy post but I like it.

Thank you all for joining me on this journey through life and for sticking around when times got tough. I’ll see you soon!

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Posted in College, Me Myself and I

Whaddup?!

Hello.

I don’t really have much to say at the moment, which is probably a good thing. I just wanted to let you all know that I’m feeling really good right now. I’m home on Easter holidays and I have a few projects to finish for college, but I’m on top of them all. I only have around five weeks left of my first year of college and it’s gone really well. I had a minor hiccup but I’m over it. I don’t want this blog to just focus on my downfalls, so expect more happy posts soon… once I have stuff that deserves a post on.

Thank you to everyone who supported me this year. It means so much. As always, if you are ever feeling down or can relate to my other posts, do not be afraid to contact me via twitter (@rachleahy) or a comment on this. I’m always here to listen!

Peace out! 😀

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Posted in College, Me Myself and I

Is it over yet?

So it’s been almost 2 weeks since I last posted and I think I should update.

I am now finally up to date with the college work I missed out on. I still have work to do but I’m not behind on anything. The two weeks didn’t go totally smooth and it has made me realise things about myself. For example; I had a presentation due this day last week and I slept in. I know what you’re thinking, ‘feck’. Me too. I spent a few hours cursing myself and asking friends what I should do. I e-mailed the lecturer but he didn’t e-mail back. So there I was, almost back on track and I ballsed it all up again. What was my immediate thought? Drop-out again. Woah! Hold on Rach, what’s up? Let’s think about this.

It’s like my first reaction when I fall behind is to panic. I think about what I should do and I think of just leaving instead. Why? I’m afraid of confrontation firstly, I didn’t want to meet the lecturer face-to-face because I was scared of getting a scolding. I have nothing to worry about, this isn’t secondary school, but I’ve only realised that now. I’m alarmed that my instincts tell me to run at the first, like very first, sign of trouble. I have to take time, calm myself, weigh up the pros and cons and then plan my next move. That’s what happened in the first place. I allowed myself time off, then realised how much I missed and threw myself into another ‘what-am-I-doing-with-my-life’ crisis.

I have a really close friend who is bipolar. I spoke to them the night that before I went back to college. I was at a really low point. They tried telling me that I have some symptoms but I refused to listen. I still do. It’s come in to my head before but I don’t want to think about it. If I think about it, it becomes real. I’m scared. What if I am bipolar? I don’t want to be this drugged up, emotionless, shell of a person. My friend even offered to go to our local doctor with me so that I’d talk to someone but I didn’t want to. I went to bed that night dreading talking to my friend the next day. I felt that they were pushing their condition on me. I woke up and went to college and when I came home, I felt like a new person. I don’t know did I just need to get back to college and survey the damage or did my friend frighten me out of my funk?

So that’s the bipolar option and then there’s the Anxiety route. Is that my problem? Do I have anxiety issues? I’ve never suffered from a panic attack that I know of, unless my little crises count. I do think that if I am actually affected by any issues anxiety might be the one. Or am I just normal? I’m a happy, worry-free person 99% of the time. I pride myself on that but then when something like this happens it makes me think. Should I just take it easy and see how I get on? Is the work-load just unnerving me because I’m a naturally lazy person? I don’t know.

Oh Jeez, would you look at that? I totally rambled. I apologise for the spew. I can’t explain how this blog helps me get things off my chest. I always find it easier to type than to talk. Right, where was I? Oh yeah, I’m good again. I spoke to my lecturers, got to do my presentation today and I have all my other assignments on the right track. I’ve learned my lesson; if I’m falling behind, don’t hide, go and fix it. I feel great. The sun is shining and it hasn’t rained in 10 days… maybe that’s it? Have I been missing sunshine? Is it Seasonal Affective Disorder? I should just stop distressing myself.

I’m good. I’m good. Thank you for reading this, it really does mean a lot, more than you will ever know. If anybody is in my shoes, don’t be afraid to get in contact. I’m here to listen no matter what 😀

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Posted in College, Me Myself and I

Back on track

So I went back to college today… and it felt great. I’m a little bit behind but all my classmates were more than helpful in telling me what I need to do. To those of you who asked how I was, thank you for the concern, I’m feeling a lot better.

I had a good chat with my room-mate too, she’s been through something similar and I instantly started to brighten once I just got everything off my chest.

I’m kind of embarrassed about my mini-breakdown. The truth is, I let myself get so behind in college that the thought of the work I had to do scared me. I panicked. Total over-reaction!

So… that was a brief crisis but I’m feeling 100% again. I just can’t let myself relax that much in college any more. Procrastination and I go way back, but I have to end our relationship.

Thank you for all the support, I know I can always take to my blog in times of worry. Until next (hopefully stress free) time,

 

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Posted in College, Me Myself and I

The weight of worries and woe

Here I am again. Seriously thinking about what I’m doing with my life. Why do I always have to worry about these things.

I’m happy in my course. Well, I really did think I was. I love where I am living and my room-mates are the best, I get on with them so well but I’m not sure if I like where my college course is sending me. Maybe it’s because this semester is more essay and academic based. I only have 2 and a half months left but I’m finding it difficult, so difficult to get up and go to college.

I recently took a week off, which even I wasn’t expecting. I spent the week reassuring my parents that I was happy, that they had nothing to worry about and that I was staying in college without a doubt… but little do they know, I haven’t gone to college for about 2 weeks and I can’t pinpoint the reason why so I can’t explain to them or the college why I have been absent.

I hate this. I actually hate this part of me. The part of me that feels it necessary to fuck everything up once things start going right. I’m happy was happy and now I’m here. Again. 

What is it Rach, why can’t you just be happy? I’m really struggling to decide on what I feel. Why am I doubting this college thing again. I really like some aspects but hate others. I can’t put it in to words what I feel right now as I write this. My heart is screaming one thing and my head is shouting something else.

I’ve begun to get this weird ache in my stomach. I don’t think it’s anything medical. It’s not a bug. I think it’s a physical side effect of the stress and worry, that I’m unnecessarily putting myself through.

I need time. Time to think all of this through, but I’ve already missed so much college and I feel like I’m trapped.

Will I ever change? I’m working on just consciously trying to be happy. I should really just forget all this but I fear I’ll get back in to the place I was in in late 2011 and I really really don’t want to go back there. Ever.

I’m sorry for that little spew of woe but this blog is the only way I can truly express what’s getting me down.

Thank you so much for reading all this tripe. Please, if anybody else is feeling this way, or just down in general, don’t be afraid to get in touch. My twitter is at the bottom of my homepage. If you ever need to talk, I will always be here.

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Posted in College, Me Myself and I

Back in ‘that’ place.

Hi. Remember me? I’m that college drop-out who used to write about the shortcomings in my life.

It’s been a long time, hasn’t it? I was hoping to update you with good news but unfortunately, I’m not feeling the best today and this blog is my way of expressing myself.

I’m having a bit of a down day. I’ve been okay for so long but doubts have been creeping in for about a week now and today they just got too much. I’m happy in my new course. I really like it and I already know what my favourite subject is but I’m starting to worry about where I’ll be in a few years time. What will I be doing in 5 years? Where will I work after I graduate? Here I go again, stressing out over nothing.

Don’t worry, I’m not at the ‘I’m gonna drop-out’ stage. I really do like my course and I love the city where I’m living but I’m just having a rough night and I want to vent.

Does this ever happen to you? Have you had these doubts or these dark days? If so, how did you get through it. Comment below if you have any advice. I’d love to just talk to somebody who has gone through what I’m going through. My family are supportive but if I mention how I’m feeling, I’m worried they’ll get the wrong impression and over-react.

Thank you for reading. I will get out of this slump. I’ve done it before. I look forward to updating you on the more happy aspects of my life soon.

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Posted in College

SOON!

I really want to update you all on how College is going this time but I want to put up College part two first. I’m really finding it difficult to put how I felt into words. I’ve written about the Dublin days quite a lot so it’s easier to express what I was feeling at the time but I’ve never really gone into detail about the second college I went to. I will try my best to write a proper post soon. College is demanding too, lots of assignments and the likes. Hopefully I’ll defeat my writers block soon and you’ll be clued in on all things Rach!

Thank you for waiting, I appreciate it!

Posted in College

My college experience, Part One.

It’s five past seven on the eve of my first proper day of college and I’m nervous. Being here and being happy has made me think about my last college experience and I thought I’d write about it in more detail. So ladies and gentlemen, I give you “My college story: Volume one, The Dublin days”… and I mean days literally.

When I moved last year, I had to stay in my apartment all by myself on my first night and I ended up calling my Mom and crying on the phone to her. I was scared, I was lonely and I wasn’t ready. I remember how frightened I was of the city. Even the thought of walking to the Luas, which was about a minute away, scared the shit out of me. I went to my orientation day, took the bus and even though I was scared, it all seemed to be going well. That was until a junkie asked me for money, something I realise is a normal occurrence to a Dublin native, but to a girl from a small town in rural Ireland, it was strike one. That was a Monday and I was meant to stay up until Thursday, to receive my college I.D… not a hope. I was on the first bus I could get on Tuesday morning. I went to my friends college apartment, an hour and away from home, but I was so happy to be in a place I recognised. I plastered a smile on my face and pretended I was getting on well. After that I went home. Soon Sunday came and it was time for the 4 hour drive back. Thankfully this time I got a spin with a friend. Something that, at the time, made me feel so much safer. Back at the apartment my room-mate hadn’t returned yet and I faced another night on my own.

Monday morning. Nerves had set in. My first day of lectures. I walked down to the bus, as I had done the Monday before, but this time was different. I was sitting at the stop, minding my own business, when a tall, very heavy-set man sat next to me. I didn’t acknowledge him and tried to keep to myself. He asked me when the next bus was coming. I explained to him that I wasn’t local and I wasn’t sure. He then started shouting at me and telling me not to be a “Smart bitch”. I was petrified and intimidated beyond belief. I didn’t know what to say, so I said nothing. He continued to shout at me until the bus came. I was so relieved when he didn’t follow me on it. That was it, the final straw. I know what you’re thinking, it wasn’t much but it was enough to send me over the edge. As if I wasn’t scared enough before, I sure as hell was after that. I went to college and I did not want to be there. I spent the lecture holding back tears and thinking of different ways to get back to the apartment. When I got back I rang my parents immediately. I told them I was coming home and that there was no way I was staying. After a few arguments my parents agreed to collect me on the following Friday. I was so relieved.

I still had to go back to the college and tell them I was “withdrawing”. I didn’t want to. The thought of venturing out from the safety of the apartment was terrifying.It took me a few days, but I eventually did and the next day after that .my Dad and sister came to get me. I was so happy but at the same time I was disappointed in myself for leaving so soon. I felt like I was disappointing my family and I felt like a failure. Why couldn’t I have a thicker skin? Why didn’t I stand up for myself? Why did I get scared so easily?

But my story didn’t end there, I had enrolled in another college and that was another story.

 

Thank you for reading, I’ll post the second part of my experience tomorrow.

Posted in College, Family, Me Myself and I, The 'rents

STRESS!!!!!

It’s half past two in the morning. I’m moving at nine. What should I be doing? Sleeping! What am I doing? Blogging! …duh

Righto, here we go. I’m moving to a new city in the morning, to attend college. Yesterday was a day filled with mixed emotions. My mother is not coping with the fact that her youngest is leaving home. She still hasn’t gotten over the fact that my sister lives an hour and a half away, and even though my sister comes home a lot, it doesn’t stop Mom calling her multiple times everyday, much to my sisters dismay.

So, Mom spent the day worrying and no doubt telling herself that I won’t be able to cope by myself. I’ll be fine Mother! I’m not the kind to stress out but Mom was in melt down mode today and it rubbed off on me. Overwhelming is an understatement.

To be fair, I left packing to the last-minute but, other than that nothing else was wrong. Yeah, try telling that to Mom. My Aunts and cousins were due to call down to say toodlepip before I headed off and the kitchen was a bit of a mess. Naturally, as I hadn’t packed yet, everything wrong with the house was my fault. So along with trying to pack my life in to two suitcases, I had to clean the kitchen and put up with Moms unnecessary minor mental breakdown.

On top of all that I had to answer more questions than somebody would at a press conference about College. “What’s your time-table like?” “When will you be done on friday?” “How far is the bus from your college?” … Eh, I haven’t even moved yet, never mind gone to orientation. I know they mean well but the suggestions got to me too; “You should join this!” “You should go here” “Look up that!” “You could work here in four years!” … Seriously, can I please just move in first, get myself settled and then sort everything else out?

I honestly love my family, but when you’re stressed, unsure, anxious and nervous they can be a little much. Let’s hope my first day away goes better than my last day at home.

I will keep you updated.

P.S. To any family reading, I love ye to bits and I appreciate you were trying to help but the stress got the better of me… don’t hate me 😦