How are you doing? It’s me, Rach. I can’t think of a witty way to fire into what my post is actually going to be about, so just pretend this isn’t blunt. I’ve been struggling with college lately. By ‘lately’ I actually mean since October. This is my final semester of university and to put it simply, I’ve been in a panic for months. What am I doing with my life?
Naturally, as a result of my constant existential crisis, I’ve been what I call ‘Stress spiralling’ and falling behind in college work. I’ve just about caught up but keeping my head above water and planning out where I’ll be in 10 years are two, mutually exclusive, processes. I know what I have to do, and how to do it, I just can’t seem to actually do it. I’ve got to keep focused and take everyday as it comes. Keep chipping away at the assignments and just zone in on graduating… but I can’t.
I’m a dreamer. A total head in the clouds dreamer. I won’t say optimist because the very Irish trait of self-doubt plagues me. I can keep myself awake all night thinking about who I’m going to thank in my oscar speech and whether or not I’ll say it all in Irish but I can’t focus long enough to read an article for college. What actually inspired this post happened only a few minutes ago; I was on Tumblr and a gifset of my ultimate wife and life goals, Emma Stone, popped up. What was my first thought? ‘What if, when I’m famous, Emma doesn’t like me and we can’t be friends?’ yeah, I know. And as I write this the pessimist in me is battling the dreamer. “You’re never going to be famous” vs “You never know!”
So what can I do? I don’t want to silence the part of me that believes I can do everything but I also don’t want to let the doubt seep in and convince me that I’ll never be anything. I’m also an ‘all or nothing’ kinda gal, you see, I’m either the best at something or the worst. I’ve got to find my self-confidence middle ground and settle down until I have my degree in my hand. Eyes on the prize… I might need some blinkers to keep me going straight.
I know in my heart and soul, no matter how many times I deny it, that my weight has had the heaviest (forgive me) impact on my confidence.
Losing the flab, flab is too lenient, halving my weight is something I’m so prepared for. I’ve lost weight before, and even though I’ve put it all back on and much more, I can do it again. I don’t want to make excuses but I feel like I can’t fully commit until college is out-of-the-way but I’m not doing nothing either. I can’t afford a gym until I move home for summer and It’s hard to stay on track when I feel like I’m not giving it my all. As well as trying to not drown in college related anxiety I’ve been making conscious strides to try to clean up my diet. Some days are better than others but I will get there. Right, what was I saying? I guess the moral of the story is College is ruining my life. I jest. I’m just ready to hit the real world. Okay, that’s I lie, I shuddered whilst writing that. The best way to put it is that I’m ready to move on to the next step in my journey. So let’s do this. I should promise more posts right now but we all know that usually means the opposite, so stick around, I’m sure it won’t be too long before the next update.
If you kept up with the rambles, cheers. I’m hoping the ‘writing with ease’ vibe I had going in the past returns soon, until then,
P.S. Emma, if you’re reading this, I swear I’m really cool and a great friend. I’m good at keeping secrets and making tea. Love me.